In 1729, Jonathan Swift published the satirical pamphlet A Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick. It was Swift’s proposal that Irish parents sell their children to be eaten to provide a family income.
“A young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee, or a ragout.”
Needless to say, the public did not see the humor in his modest proposal nor did they recognize Swift’s homage to the Roman tradition of satire that disparaged the solutions they actually supported. Swift lost nearly all the subscribers to his pamphlets. Today, this work stands as the greatest piece of satire ever written.
It is with true jacklope humility that I set down my own modest proposal. I hope you enjoy:
A Modest Proposal: the Solution of Illegal Immigration and Foreign Terrorists Living in the United States
Regarding the upcoming Illegal Immigration Bill, rejoice that Congress has at last streamlined the legislative process so much that the mere idea is passed into law without all that troublesome legal fine print ever being written. We already know we can’t possibly understand the yearly tax code, so why bother our stressed out brains with another piece of congressional mumbo jumbo? We can just jump to the obvious outcome: instant citizenship, a voter card in Spanish card with a preprinted “X” in the box next to “Democratic Party”, and a Pueblo, Colorado publication listing all the social services that come with citizenship.
And, by logical extension, the only natural conclusion to the immigration problem is for the United States to simply declare universal sovereignty over the entire globe, making all earthly inhabitants Americans. Think of the problems that would instantly be solved by expanding our borders to include every continent, island, peninsula, sandbar, and floating flotsam and jetsam! No more illegals dying in the brutal trek across the American southwest deserts, or sweltering in the back of 18-wheelers with no air, water, food, or bathroom facilities. Never again would we have to hear of such tragedies and risk having our free time and peace of mind disturbed.
Even if the new citizens stay in their current locations, now they wouldn’t have to work to change the governments they would otherwise desire to flee. The former nation of Mexico can cease in its almost-achievable quest to achieve a true two-party democracy. Hugo Chavez can offer symposiums for Democratic Congressmen on how to nationalize private business as he did Citgo Oil and how they aspire to do with our health care system. The reality of a fast track to making all citizens both wards and employees of the state would be created ipso facto. The Democratic Party is thinking small-time in its present goal of making only people residing within the current borders of the United States citizens. Imagine the possibilities for complete domination if the Democratic Party were able to make every single person on the planet their ward and vassal. Surely when they examine the absolute magnificence of this modest solution they will realize that this short proposal has barely begun to explore the possibilities.
The idea of annexing the entire world is so pregnant with opportunity that one could not even begin to list the benefits to the future power of the Democratic Party. Instantly the need to travel in order to receive the benefits of the United States becomes moot. Instead we can export government social workers and labor union members to provide all benefits accorded with citizenship. Like lawyers descending on the Bhopal tragedy, government agencies could be set up at the four corners of the world and incremental points in between to provide all benefits and necessities to new citizens at taxpayer expense. Furthermore, since we celebrate diversity already, no new citizen need suffer the burden of learning English (lest they assimilate into the bigoted and racist present American culture, developed as it was by dead white men). If this proposal were enacted, all people could continue to speak in their indigenous language and dialect. Because after all, that’s what being an American is all about: making America just like the place you fled.
So brilliant is this plan that Democratic Party leaders will be guaranteed voters and power for life, possibly even eternity. Their pursuit of wealth could then be expanded to include every tax-free offshore account or even the banks of the new state of Switzerland. All wealth will now be subject to the American tax code and every redistributionist PAC or 501(c) receiving federal funds. It is hard to believe that no one at the DNC has thought of this plan sooner. It appears there is not a political visionary in the entire party.
Even terrorists will receive incredible benefits by becoming American citizens. It goes without saying that now they will be able to kill Americans with greater ease, as they will not have to risk the sneaking and hiding, the plotting and scheming it currently takes to set up splinter cells bearing outdated visas over here. Why travel when just killing your own neighbor is a death of an American? Consider the double bonus when a terrorist's own child becomes a self-detonating bomb: an American child killing other Americans! Jews will be Americans, infidel Christians will all be Americans, Shi’ias will be Americans, Sunnis, Hamas, PLO, Chechen, all are Americans. Now they can really mean it when they drive a bomb-laden truck into a shopping mall with the cry, “Death to America!” The simplicity of absolute cultural nihilism borders on divine perfection.
Not to mention the benefit of outmaneuvering the United Nations, a bureaucracy that could be swiftly rendered null and void. Never again will we need to seek permission to establish democracies in terrorist states. Surely a nation that had no problem gassing and torching Branch Davidians would have no compunction about bombing itself, wherever and whenever needed. It’s good to have a frame of reference when it comes to the almighty state delivering justice swift and sure. Nothing keeps a citizenry in order better than them knowing their proper place in the power hierarchy.
The benefits of this modest proposal are so bold, so enlightened and radical, that to not put it into action immediately could blight humanity forever. Let us cease striving after such clearly unworkable legislation as building a border fence and increasing a well trained and equipped border guard. There is no sense wasting taxpayer money on high-tech satellite equipment, unmanned drones, and expensive gadgetry like night-vision goggles and infrared cameras. We all know it is impossible to track every person within the borders or defend ourselves indefinitely against a far more determined worldwide jihad. Why strive after mediocre stopgap half-measures when a self-evident solution exists? Why continue the suffering for one more second? Call your Congressman and Senators immediately and urge them to pass this simple proposal with all haste, and begin planning a family vacation to the new America—no visa, passport or papers required. Brilliant.